lunes, 21 de julio de 2008

EL CERCLE DE GUIX

Fa uns anys, catorze crec, vaig escriure un conte que es titulava “La nua veritat”. Em vaig inspirar en un quadre de klimt on la veritat apareix personificada en una bella dona de pell blanca i cabell roig. El protagonista feia un periple vital cercant la felicitat: començava per la fe i passava per la filosofia, l’art, l’amor i la passió cap als altres i l’amor cap a ell mateix. Finalment quan l’esperança el visitava i es quedava a viure amb ell, trobava la pau i la serenitat. És a dir, quan ja no havia res més a esperar.
M’entren calfreds quan el llegeixo avui. Tenia 20 anys i ara m’adono que inconscientment vaig plasmar el viatge existencial que he acabat fent. I si darrerament em sent tan neguitosa és perquè tinc la sensació que després de tot, no ha arribat la serenitat, sinó que sembla que tot torna a començar, que es repeteix el cicle: de nou llegeixo cercant les respostes, com si no hagués res après. Ara llegeixo Epictet. Té preceptes amb els que no estic gens d’acord, sobretot els relacionats amb la culpa, el desig i la moralitat. Però n’hi ha d’altres que concorden perfectament amb el meu sentir i no deixa de sorprendre’m que un esclau romà nascut l’any 55 dC arribàs a les mateixes conclusions que aquesta esclava mallorquina nascuda 1919 anys després. Parla de l’home com una peça dins el trencaclosques de la humanitat, de la necessitat de no voler controlar els esdeveniments, de com l’home sempre està aprenent i creixent, de la importància de la voluntat en l’intent per harmonitzar l’home i la natura. Condemna la vanitat, la mandra, la por, les aparences, la vulgaritat. I elogia la serenitat, la mesura, la generositat. Em quedo amb aquest frase: “Pren-te la vida com si es tractés d’un banquet: obtindràs la porció justa quan arribi el moment”. Però hi veig tanta esperança dins aquest precepte!, tota l’esperança que altres filòsofs diuen que no s’ha de tenir. Comença el cicle de nou? He de llançar els llibres per la finestra, m’he de tornar a centrar en les coses belles que produeixen els homes i després un altre pic en els homes i totes les seves passions, per acabar mirant-me els budells i descobrir formes barrejades impossibles de desxifrar? Al meu conte em trobava dins la panxa una capsa plena de poriols morts, un llibre blau amb un príncep ros mirant els estels, una flor de gessamí, un llapis vell, una música de guitarra, un caramull de sucre, parets i suor, unes calces negres i un jersei de punt anglès, pa blanc, preguntes. Què trobaré ara? A vegades m’angoixa aquest cercle de guix que és l’existir. Tan fàcil d’esborrar i traçar de nou, ho sé, però sempre tan rodó, angoixant principi i fi, un i altre pic. No obstant, i encara que pugui no semblar-ho, em trobo millor darrerament. Poc a poc torno ubicar-me. Potser, per molt que em foti, el cercle de guix és la meva essència.

27 comentarios:

josepmanel dijo...

Encara que no ho semble, els camins no són sempre els mateixos. Ni nosaltres, caminants, tampoc. I el bagatge aconseguit durant la caminada ens ha de fer més forts, segur.

Toni Ibañez dijo...

Tens 10 anys menys que jo i escrius molt bé. La felicitat sempre ha estat un mite femení. Nietzsche deia que volien ser feliços les vaques, les dones i els anglesos. ¿I els homes què volem? La guerra, la victòria, l'honor, la glòria... La serenitat la deixo per als budes somrients.

Frannia dijo...

Et don la raó, Josep-Manel, pot semblar igual però no ser-ho.
A tu, Toni Ibañez, te la llevo: vols dir que tots els filòsofs de la humanitat eren, en realitat, dones?

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